This morning it happened again. My head started spinning and while completing the ten thousand tasks I had to complete before 10 am I started forgetting everything.

When you’re running around like an absolute madwoman, it doesn’t help to be forgetting what you just did (or didn’t do) two seconds ago. It’s as though my brain is sending me a signal, loud and clear: DANGER AHEAD… SLOW DOWN or you will EXPLODE.

So, it’s Friday afternoon. I have work to do, but it will have to wait. I have to do carpool, buy beer for a parent dinner tonight, pick up kids at playdate and… RELAX. Can I fit in time for a run in the sun? No, but when I’m back from my errands I might be able to sneak in a quick walk in the darkness of an early winter dusk. Emphasis on might.

This morning, after kids’ drop offs, I climbed right back into bed, fully clothed, pulled the covers up to my chin and watched The Today Show.

Nice, huh? Think I do this sort of thing every day?

This morning I woke up at 5am and couldn’t get back to sleep.  I must have dozed off because I jumped out of bed in a panic at 6:36 to get the three kids up and out by 7:15. This includes having one of them take a shower, dressing another and feeding them all breakfast. Oh and not allowing the girls to go to school with rats nests in their hair. Forget about brushing teeth, we rarely manage that on Tuesday mornings.

Why the mad rush? On Tuesdays I have to drop the youngest at my sister-in-law’s, drop the middle one at her school and then drive my son’s carpool to his school about 25 minutes away. The whole ordeal takes 1 1/2 hours from start to finish. Then I had a 9am business meeting in a neighboring town.

So, I was frazzled, hungry and had not had time for coffee. (I did brush my teeth, though.)

But lo and behold, I was suddenly blessed with an unexpected gift: another carpool parent offered to drive the kids… it’s on his way… he doesn’t mind… it took me a nanosecond to say, sure, take ‘em!

On my way out of the parking lot, unable to believe my luck, I weighed my options:

1. Go to my sister-in-law’s and hang out for half an hour with her, then take Svenja to the bus stop (Meave usually does that for me on Tuesdays–thank God for family)
2. Go home and do some work before leaving for my meeting. I could pitch a few more people for this book, work a bit more on my other book, write some e-mails, blog… I could get ahead (so to speak)
3. Finish the laundry. I have two loads–one ready to fold and one ready to dry. Oh, and another pile gathered already, since YESTERDAY, to throw in the wash.
4. Make a pot of coffee and sit in the kitchen savoring the Arts section of the New York Times.

And then I thought: what the hell, how long has it been since I’ve lounged in bed watching the Today Show?! Not since GRADUATE SCHOOL 15 years ago.

On my way to my 9 am meeting, that old song came on, “Taking Care of Business.” I turned the volume up and sang along. The unexpected gift of just a little time to indulge myself suddenly made the day seem full of potential.

Well, I wasn’t so much bitchy yesterday as horribly morose. I know in my gut that it was because of lack of exercise, but I could not summon up the energy or will to get moving!

So, today I took action.

1. Made an appointment with my doctor to check my thyroid levels and to see whether I have a sinus infection. When I’m down, there’s almost always a physical component involved. Waking up every morning for one month feeling rotten is not “normal.”
2.  Went to Boot Camp at the gym. It was exhausting, but once I was there, I just did it. Felt even more exhausted afterward, but at least I got some endorphins going for my many hours at the computer today!
3. Spent some alone-time with my ten-year old. With her creamy little cheeks, her long crazy hair and her funny observations on the world, she always brings me back to the moment in a way feels great.
4. Decided to clean out the stained glass “studio” this weekend so when the weather starts getting unbearable, I can go down there and start breaking some glass and making art. The trick for me is to find things to do that keep me occupied but don’t make me even more frantic than I already am.
5. Started a food diary. Oh how I hate food diaries: hate hate hate them. But, truth is, when you’re down in the dumps for no good reason, Cheesy Cheetos appear to be the answer… but if you write it down, your logical mind wins out over your crazy, illogical, stuff-your-face-with-junk mind.

Now for a glass of red wine and making dinner for the kids. Early to bed and I will crack open a new book. I am taking some of my own medicine!

Sometimes…

You feel down even when the sky is blue

The day seems long and bedtime is too far away

Your friends seem distant

The kids don’t need you, or if they do, it’s to wash their socks

Work feels unrewarding

You try to pull yourself up by the bootstraps with images of hungry children, homeless families, ill-fated people… and it only makes you feel guily for not being grateful

… sometimes, telling yourself you are lucky and should be happy isn’t enough.

So you sit and read, do chores, work diligently on projects, eat and drink way too much and you wait for the feeling to pass. You know it will pass because the feeling is unsubstantiated. There’s no reason for unease or dissatisfaction, yet it swamps you. Sleep is interrupted. You stop exercising. Everything seems like too much effort.

What do you do when life feels like that?

EXERCISE! It’s a physical thing: you need those endorphins. Call a buddy, go for a walk, force yourself to go out running. Do 15 minutes at the gym, and tomorrow go for 30.

As for me, tomorrow… tomorrow I am getting back on the bandwagon, no excuses.  Maybe I need to take up Zumba, or kick boxing…!

I’m doing research for a new book and spent part of the day reading Deepak Chopra’s “The Seven Spiritual Lessons for Parents.” It’s such an encouraging and thoughtful book. I love his writing — so clear and simple — and I love his ideas — so far-reaching and generous.

He writes about some of the principles that he used, unknowingly, while raising his own children. They make such sense, yet are not instinctive for us Westerners. One of the principles is to understand that, ultimately, you cannot control your kids. By that he means that children are their own separate selves, and we are privileged to be their caretakers and to have such great influence over them, but we cannot make them into who we want them to be, we can only help them be their best selves.*

In many ways that’s the hardest lesson of all for parents: learning to let go.

We feel such a great responsibility towards these little beings in our care, and we can barely help trying to mold them to fit our own dreams. The real trick is how to help and encourage them, how to instill our own core values, and yet also let them be themselves and live their own dreams to fruition.

It’s all an exercise in being humble and grateful, and doing the best you can!

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*By the way, he does not mean we can’t guide or discipline them!

I read an article a few days ago in the NY Times about living green. Instead of feeling inspired, I came away feeling kind of defeated. So often, when we read about zealots — people who take our little ideas and turn them into big, dramatic action — we feel, well, kind of pathetic. Sometimes it seems like it’s just too hard to live in a way that doesn’t end up dooming our planet, so we give up even trying.

But then I was intrigued by this final thought:

“What does a life with less energy look like?” she said. “It’s fun to try to get the most out of the least. It’s like a party game.”

So instead of seeing it as a chore, let’s approach this as a game. Everyday I challenge myself and my children to treat the world with greater care and respect.

Here are the small steps I have taken, along with my family, to minimize our impact on the environment:

1. WASHING IN COLD WATER: I am using cold water Tide and washing whites and colors in cold. Proctor and Gamble are clients of my husband’s and he told me once how frustrating it is for them trying to change the habits of consumers because we are as stubborn as donkeys! Apparently, cold water Tide washes whites IN COLD WATER just as well as in hot water. Yeah! Also, you can use a lot less.
2. RE-USING PLASTIC: I am rinsing out my ziploc bags. As long as you have somewhere to dry them, this works just fine.
3. CUTTING DOWN ON LAUNDRY: I go through the hamper and take OUT the clothes that do not look or smell dirty.
4. LOWER THE HEAT: This will be hard to keep up once it gets really cold, but we’re keeping the thermostat at 63 degrees this year. Kevin chopped tons of wood and we will start using fires more regularly to heat the house.
5. RETIRING THE GAS GUZZLER: We have an ancient Landcruiser that we love. This year, it’s going into retirement.
6. REPLACING LIGHTBULBS: The incandescent bulbs are much nicer these days, and it’s not so hard to get used to their light. You won’t believe how much less frequently you have to change them. Save money, save energy!
7. DOUBLE-SIDED PRINTING: In writing my novel, 400 + pages long, I have probably used 5,000 realms of paper. To minimize waste, I single space when printing and re-use the back side of paper to print revised drafts.
8. TAKING THE TRAIN: I can either drive and park for $11 or take a train and pay $10 for the tickets. The train is restful and low stress. I read the whole way, and my little walk through the streets of Boston to the office is invigorating.
9. RE-USING STYROFOAM COFFEE CUPS: Easy–this one’s a no-brainer.
   
10. USE ALL LEFT OVERS: I know people who never keep left-overs, and to me that seems outrageous. We just had the most delicious and nutritious chicken soup last night that my husband made from the chicken bones left over from our roast the day before. Felt like a free meal… and no waste!

Hm. I’m racking up failures more often than successes these days. I had to run the dishwasher half empty twice today just to figure out that yes, I am right, the damn thing is not working properly anymore.

Is hand-washing everything better for the environment or worse?

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SCORE CARD:

Failure # 2 billion and three: ran the dishwasher two times just to figure out its kaput.

Failure # 2 billion and two: Then, this morning, I saw a huge, pristine piece of paper towel, with two tiny damp spots in the middle, lying on top of the trash.

Failure #2 billion and one:  After lecturing the kids about making good choices to help the environment, I shut off NINE LIGHTS last night after everyone was in bed. NINE!

Failure #2 billion: Couldn’t get the soup guy to accept my used container.

Success #2: Re-used my Dunkin Donuts styrofoam cup and survived the server’s horrified expression.

Success #1: We bought three big plastic Gatorade bottles on the way back from the Cape today. We will wash them out and use them as water bottles.

Oops, a couple more failures.

Failure #2 billion and one:  After lecturing the kids about making good choices to help the environment, I shut off NINE LIGHTS last night after everyone was in bed. NINE!

Failure # 2 billion and two: Then, this morning, I saw a huge, pristine piece of paper towel, with two tiny damp spots in the middle, lying on top of the trash.

My evil son wiped his damp fingers on a sheet of paper towel. Two inches from his wet digits hung a freshly-cleaned cotton kitchen towel.

Sigh. I guess habits are hard to change. Us humans, we come from apes, after all.

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SCORE CARD:

Failure #2 billion: Couldn’t get the soup guy to accept my used container.

Success #2: Re-used my Dunkin Donuts styrofoam cup and survived the server’s horrified expression.

Success #1: We bought three big plastic Gatorade bottles on the way back from the Cape today. We will wash them out and use them as water bottles.

Okay, today took the cake for weird-reaction-to-my-heroic-new-environmentalist stance.

I was working downtown again. There’s a great Lebanese place across the street from my office that sells soups. I took in my nicely rinsed out plastic soup container. The one the grumpy guy behind the counter had given me just a few days earlier.

This time, the look on the guy’s face was not one of horror, but anger. What the hell do you think you’re doing? he seemed to be thinking.

He scowled, grabbed the container and threw it on the table behind him. He said, “If I took back these things I’d save myself $3 - 4,000 a month!”

I thought… surely that’s a good thing?

Then he relented a bit and admitted, “You could sue me for finding something in your soup.”

God damn,  litigation rears it’s ugly head? I’m just trying to reduce the size of landfills, man!

Failure #2 billion: Couldn’t get the soup guy to accept my used container.

Success #2: Re-used my Dunkin Donuts styrofoam cup and survived the server’s horrified expression.

Success #1: We bought three big plastic Gatorade bottles on the way back from the Cape today. We will wash them out and use them as water bottles.

Success #2:

I took my used, large styrofoam cup back to Dunkin Donuts this morning and asked them to refill it.

The guy looked  at me as though I had a booger hanging off my eyebrow. He said, “You want it in here?! It’s dirty.”

“Yeah, I know,” I answered, checking my face for weird stuff before realizing he simply thought I was nuts.

“Ok, so I’ll put it in here, right? You don’t want a new one?”

Sigh. Honestly, I never thought trying to save the environment would be considered this, well… this aberrant…

Success #1:We bought three big plastic Gatorade bottles on the way back from the Cape today. We will wash them out and use them as water bottles.